Journeys in Mental Health: When you shine a light on a shadow, it disappears – my experience of PTSD

On PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) Awareness Day, PLOS Mental Health is sharing the latest ‘Journeys in Mental Health’ blog, which comes from an anonymous contributor (AC) who shares their ongoing experience of PTSD. They share in the hope of normalizing conversations about the impact of traumatic events and in doing so, helping to alleviate the heavy load of shame that many who experience trauma carry. 

Content Warning: This content refers to sexual abuse and other topics that readers may find uncomfortable or emotional. Please engage with it at your own discretion and please seek advice from a mental health professional if you are affected by the content.

AC: I am a victim of sexual abuse as a child. The perpetrator was someone in my family. This blog does not intend to share any further details of the abuse itself. That is for my benefit as much as the readers’ benefit. I am going to instead share my experience of the aftermath and how much my emotions and behaviors have been shaped by my experience for decades. This is not only to let others know that they are not alone, but also hopefully serves as a reminder that you should never make an assumption about what underlies anyone’s behavior. Everyone is fighting their battles in the only way they can and we should try our best to practice patience, understanding and compassion. 

This is not only to let others know that they are not alone, but also hopefully serves as a reminder that you should never make an assumption about what underlies anyone’s behavior.

Although it was rarely obvious to me at the time, I think most of my behaviors in my adult years have been, and continue to be, attempts to run away from what is always lurking in the shadows at the back of my mind. Almost everything I do is with the goal of not feeling anything. Sometimes that is a conscious goal, sometimes it isn’t. Because feeling things is just too painful. A lot of what I have done as I have drifted through adulthood has included self-medication. Alcohol, over the counter painkillers, obsessively focusing on absolutely anything I could think of….all to leave my mind with no space for anything else. Because once the gates opened, everything floods in. I often wonder whether my coping mechanisms are because of me or because of my trauma. Would someone else who experiences the same trauma react in exactly the same way? Of course not. We are all different. But, the reality is, that these behaviors I have adopted would likely not be a part of me if it was not for the trauma. These are behaviors and modes of thinking that have been put there by others. I am not blameless. I am not avoiding responsibility. But at the same time, I am not taking all of the responsibility for this pain. And I am trying not to deal with it all alone. 

It is only very recently that I started to speak to someone about what happened to me in the past. Until that person, not one person living (apart from me, and my abuser) knew what had happened. So what stopped me from telling anyone and what continues to stop me from telling people my story (unless I am hidden by anonymity)? Shame. I am ashamed. And it is that shame that has trapped me all of these years with nothing but maladaptive behaviors. So, trying to reduce that shame, talking to someone, sharing my story in ways that are comfortable (i.e. snippets, with anonymity for now) are steps that I am taking to begin my journey of processing my trauma and changing habits of a lifetime. It has been, and will continue to be a very slow journey and by no means a unidirectional one. I still have all of my maladaptive behaviors, more so with all of the heightened emotions I am experiencing as I come to terms to what has happened. It is the hardest journey I have ever taken. But it needs to be done for me to reclaim my life back and reclaim my power over me.

If you are reading this and you too have a secret, something that happened to you that nobody knows about and you do things that are bad for you because it is too hard to do anything else, you are not alone. Most importantly, you should not feel shame. Easier said than done. But slowly shedding that shame doesn’t need a big announcement or fanfare. Not unless that is what you want (and nobody can tell you the right or wrong way to process things). Slowly shedding that shame can be a slight shift in thinking that includes ‘anyone I know may be in the same boat and they hurt too’ or ‘I didn’t deserve this path, but I can change it’.

For PTSD Awareness Day, I would like to remind everyone not to make assumptions. Everyone is hiding something because they fear the repercussions of sharing it. Let’s try to be a society in which people don’t have to hide.

If you are reading this and you too have a secret, something that happened to you that nobody knows about and you do things that are bad for you because it is too hard to do anything else, you are not alone